God.

"Jules looked up. At that exact moment a bolt of lightening flashed down from the sky striking him in the centre of the forehead. Stunned for a second he considered what had just happened. Why wasn’t he dead? Within moments knowledge came to him. This was not just your average run of the mill knowledge. This was the real thing. This was knowledge. He knew everything. He knew the exact circumference of your little toe at its thinnist point. He knew advanced calculous. He knew every word of Shakespeare off by heart. He knew the exact truth of all history. He knew God. In fact, he knew God’s name. God was called Bob. Bob had been sleeping for a couple of thousand years and his alarm clock had failed to wake him.

Jules looked around. Gathering up some rocks and some other natural materials he set to work. One hour, fourty-two minutes and three point four five nine seconds later he had built a trans-dimensional gate. He stepped in and emerged in another plane of existance. In this new plane he was surrounded by pink. Everything was pink. God/Bob liked pink. Jules floated through the pink void until he came across Bob snoring in bed. This bed consisted of a big fluffy pink cloud floating around. Jules gave Bob a shove and woke him.

God awoke. Turning over on the cloud he noticed Jules.

“Shit, what’s the time? And who are you?”

“Aren’t you omnipotent?” Replied Jules.

“Well,” replied Bob, “I was. I mean, once I knew everything, and I still know everything I knew then but anything new that comes along I don’t know.”

"Right, I see.” He didn’t. “So, shouldn’t you get to work, you know, curing plagues and leading people to promised lands?”

“No, think I’ll just go back to bed. You seem pretty bright, why don’t you give it a try?” God went back to bed.

Jules returned to Earth through the portal he’d dragged round with him. Back on Earth he mixed himself a potion and, drinking it, gave himself eternal life. He spent the next couple of years curing plagues, ending starvation and forcing everybody to worship him, the new messiah. Then he got bored. He quickly built himself a planetary transporter and went to a rather pleasant planet on the other side of the universe. This planet was primitive, containing only beautiful green foliage punctuated occasionally with bright colours. Here he rested quietly for a couple of thousand years. Then one day he was interrupted from his tranquility by a visitor. The visitor said her name was Miriam. She told him that as God he should really go and help out his race of humans. Jules pointed out that she’d got the wrong guy and showed her to the alternative pink dimension to meet Bob.

An hour later Miriam returned. It seemed Bob had decided that Jules was the new God. Jules was not impressed. Then it occurred to him to offer the position to Miriam. He did and she accepted. Jules cooked God/Miriam a sumptous meal and sent her packing. "